I could see her falling away from me.
It was as if she was getting older every time we hung out together. Like she had gone from 18 to 60 in a matter of days.
And she looked tired. Always tired.

I don’t know what happened. If it was something I did or said. But she’s just not lively like she used to be. She went from a ray of sunshine to a dimly lit cloud. As if you can still see the shadow of the bright light she used to give off.
But now it’s shrouded. By what, I don’t know.

It’s like she’s hiding something. I can’t get it out of her, because she insists there’s nothing to get out. But I can feel it, I’ve always been able to feel it. And she usually lets it out on her own.
But not this time. This time, this thing, whatever it is that’s got this shadow over her, it’s stuck.

I don’t know what to do.

We used to be so happy. It was all so nice and happy before, with lots of love and kisses and sex and dates and cuddling and really sappy, lovey, great times.
But we’ve gone from honeymooning to happy to arguing and fighting all the time, which still had a lot of good stuff and passion and happiness, to this. This quietness. The fake smiles, the silence, and the tiredness. Always tired.

Maybe she’s just done, and doesn’t wanna say it. I hope not. That would suck.

But I don’t think that’s it.

She’s censoring herself. That’s what it is.

She tried to censor herself here and there for a while. Just occasionally, for the stupid bad stuff. Those first, impulsive thoughts that were really just dumb and didn’t need to be said anyway. But it wasn’t enough. I was still getting upset all the time. She didn’t know how to make it stop while still being herself.
So she stopped. And went into this silent mode.

I guess it’s the only thing that works anymore to avoid upsetting me.

I guess it’s better to be quiet than to open her mouth and upset me all the time.
Cuz that’s all that she did. Until the silence.

But how to break it? I can’t help that I get upset at the things she says. Anyone would. She would get upset if I were to say the kind of things she said to me.

But she can’t help it either. She can’t change the thoughts she has. It’s her mind, it’s her brain, that’s just how she is.

Would I even want her to change, if it were possible?
Of course not

…

No, of course not.

But how do we get on from here? What needs to change?

Should we just go back to fighting all the time? Was it really even actually fighting?
Yeah. It was. I think so.

I don’t know what’s worse, the arguing or the silence.
The censoring.

It’s like there aren’t any thoughts in that strange head of hers that aren’t upsetting. She can’t say anything anymore, for fear of upsetting me.

And that upsets me.

So what happens now?